To Gaia, my unicorn, my Shooting Star… my Rainbow, my everything

As time got closer to those 36 weeks, I started thinking how the home dynamic would change for us, especially for Gaia. I thought of my relationship with her, how it has evolved, how I feel I am too tough on her, and how I could be so much better. I thought of how fast she has grown, how she is not a baby, nor a toddler. I look back at the photos from Hanoi, and think how at that time I thought she was such a big girl… but she wasn’t. I miss those times. I miss not enjoying them more. We tend to underestimate those moments in life, when we let our frustrations manipulate us into thinking the next stage will be better. 

The Saturday I started getting contractions, knowing birth was coming at 38 weeks, I knew our relationship would change vastly.  I started wondering how she would feel, how I would not have the same time for her, the same patience. I made sure to let her know how much I loved her, how much she completes my life. That day before Eelan was born, we took her to the park, and I watched her run, play, smile at every photo I took, hearing her laugh [what a melody!]. I melted in her sparkling eyes while my contractions reminded me I would have another pair of eyes to dive in, into the adventures of the miracle of life.

When we got home I made dinner, I served her, I watched her. The contractions were getting stronger, consuming my strength. She was starting to get annoyed at my moans and sounds, and I was getting frustrated at her strong and confident voice telling me not to make those type of noises. 

My mom got her ready for bed and before we had to leave to the hospital I laid with her, I knew I had to say goodbye to my little girl, my baby, our 1-1 relationship, where we constantly learn from each other. I smelled her, I heard her breath, I felt her heart beat. I explained I was going to the hospital to birth Eelan, and that I would see her when she woke up the next day. I told her how much I loved her, I told her she was already an amazingly caring and loving sister. I made sure to tell her a million times in a matter of minutes how much I l cared for her, how much she meant to my life. I told her she would always be my first baby, as I tried effortlessly not to drown in my slow but heavy tears. She asked why I was sad, and I told her I was going to miss her. I told her that even though I was going to have to take care of Eelan more because she will be a little baby, that I’d still make time for her, and I will still care for her. 

I was nostalgically closing this chapter of our lives together, but excitedly opening a new one where we would be 3 girls, loving and supporting each other, with the challenge (like anything) of less time but more love, AND the spice, fire, intensity of our latin spirits!

It was a couple of weeks later that I read this blog about a woman who had the same moment with her daughter, and the person who had shared the blog mentioned how we forget to talk about this special and important moment with our oldest child. After I read this post it was gratifying to know that I had taken the time to say goodbye to my little Gaia as I welcome her as a big girl, a wise and loving sister. The transcendence of our growing family had started. May we always be connected. Namaste Gaia!

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